I am a firm believer that honesty really is the best policy in relationships. The problem with this is that the truth is often hard to hear and even more difficult to accept even from someone you know truly loves you and has your best interest at heart. For this reason, people say they welcome honesty in their relationships and do perfectly well giving it. Ironically, most people are shocked to discover they really can't handle when it's their turn to be on the receiving end of it. The other problem here is that you cannot give to or do for another what you have not yet learned to give to or do for yourself.
In other words, you cannot experience a healthy relationship dynamic with another if you do not have a healthy relationship with yourself. So if you notice that people seem to run amuck in your life, because you have not learned how to set healthy boundaries for yourself that you stick to no matter who it is attempting to cross them, then you do not have a healthy relationship with yourself. Likewise, you cannot be honest with another if you have not learned to be honest with yourself about unhealthy behavior patterns you may have.
In fact, if you were to be completely honest with yourself as you read this article and you know the aforementioned person sounds a little or a lot like you. As hard as it may be to accept, find the courage to do a self-awareness audit by taking a good, honest look at the role you played in the outcome of your past relationship experiences. What you will most likely find is that you have certain, attitudes, beliefs and behavior patterns that have proven themselves, by the repeated undesirable outcome of your relationship history, to be unhealthy and not conducive to maintaining the kind of lasting and loving relationship you desire. Therefore, honesty, trust and respect are not only the three key elements that are important for having a healthy relationship with others but with yourself as well.
A healthy relationship with yourself or others cannot survive without the three key elements of trust, honesty and respect. And you cannot have one while lacking the other because each one leads to the development of the other. Speaking personally from my own self-awareness, I know that I cannot grow to respect someone I cannot be honest with. Nor am I able to trust people who have not also earned my respect. The key word in that sentence is earned because while trust, honesty and respect are three key essential elements to a healthy relationship, they are also virtues that should be earned not just handed over on a silver platter.
However, the catch 22 here is you cannot be honest with your genuine feelings with someone you cannot trust your heart with. Nor can you trust someone you do not respect or who does not make you feel respected by their repeated negative or unhealthy behavior patterns in your relationships.
So what do you do in this case? I say, when your relationship comes to this point it's time to seriously consider if it's even worth your continued effort to try to maintain it. I say this because it's virtually impossible to maintain a healthy relationship that lacks the room or ability for open, honest, heartfelt communication even when the truth hurts and in most cases it does. And you don't have to be mean, purposely hurtful or demeaning in order to be honest with someone. In all communications with another you can and should use tact, compassion for the other persons feelings and a sense of decorum. When people choose to do the latter when expressing their feelings and say it's all in the name of, "I'm just being honesty", they're are lying. When people are nasty, critical, judgmental and demeaning they are not having honest communication from a heart of love with good intentions.
They are instead having fear based conversation rooted in their own hurt. Their words are coming from their shattered ego and broken pride usually stemming from some unhealed wounded place within them they have not dealt with. Or your heartfelt honesty shared with them in the past or present that they were unable to handle, accept and digest as the hard-core truth about them or the situation you both are going through. So they wait until you're having a vulnerable moment and they dumb all their ugly, negative words on you disguised as " the truth."
The real truth is they are making a sad, unloving attempt to make you hurt because they are hurting. And as the saying goes, hurt people...hurt other people. So when this happens don't buy into it or take it personally because it's absolutely not about you. Nor is it the kind of honest, open, heartfelt communication we're talking about here.
That being said, I stand on my opening statement and belief that you cannot have, build or maintain a healthy relationship dynamic without the three key elements of honest, trust and respect. I believe this so strongly not only because these three virtues are the core principles for living my life. They are standards in which I hold myself to and expect from others in my relationships. In fact, these three virtues are so important to me that, as a new mom, I am already planting these seeds as core values to live by in my eighteen month old daughter.
Also, my personal life experiences and relationships have taught me, if nothing else, that you cannot have a genuine affinity with another if the relationship the two of you share does not afford or allow authenticity. More simply put, if your relationship does not allow you room to be "real" with each other on a deep genuine level then what you have is not authentic. If you're having to walk around on egg shells all the time because the minute you speak your truth from your heart it upsets the apple cart and all peace is suddenly lost. Then you have to question if you really have genuine energy of peace between you to begin with.
If you have to candy coat your words all the time because the other person can't handle you being direct and honest even when you are kind, calm and loving in your approach they still become defensive and shut down all communication. Yes, all relationships be it family, friends or romantic partners, experience growth spurts where you have arguments. However, a relationship that has an authentic exchange of love energy is one where both parties understand that the real purpose of relationships is to help each individual grow and gain better understanding and awareness of self and love for their own personal development and the other person involved.
In an authentic relationship where there is also a genuine affinity and exchange of honesty, trust and respect, you both equally care about each others personal growth, happiness and overall well being. And a relationship cannot grow, thrive or reach its full potential, nor can the two people involved in it grow and reach their full potential, without these three key elements. Why not you may ask? Because at the end of the day, and at the heart of the matter, honesty through open, heartfelt communication builds trust..trust builds respect. The three of these elements together leads to the strengthening of the bond between the two of you which nurtures and prospers your relationship in genuine...authentic..deep and abiding...Love.
Until next time...I surround you in love & light! So always keep your heart open and your LOVE light on.
A One Love Production
By Anna M. Hendricks
Copyright 2013
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