Anyone who has children, or has worked extensively with children as a profession, knows that when they reach the toddler stage of development it's very common that they begin to "act out." Why is it then when we see a newborn baby or infant crying we
recognize it as normal behavior yet we have an entirely different perception of a toddler having a tantrum? In fact, our initial response to a fussy or crying infant is usually, "Awwww...don't cry baby." We then follow up that initial reaction by holding and coddling the baby while showering him or her with high doses of patience, love, attentiveness, empathy and
compassion.
In contrast, when that once cute little infant reaches the stage of toddler
and begins displaying age appropriate behavior for that stage of development as well, otherwise known as "the forbidden temper tantrum", all our patience,
attentiveness, empathy and compassion goes out the window. Instead of giving the toddler the same understanding and
patience we did during its infant stage, like probing to figure out the root cause of their undesirable
behavior, we become frustrated and try to force them into having model behavior.
As a society we quickly blame the parents, especially the mother, as failing to properly discipline the child. Some people also place judgmental labels on the toddler behaving like this as being bad or spoiled. And who thought it was a good idea to even go as far as to stamp this stage of child development as the parentally dreaded, "terrible twos"?
Truth is, just like the infant, a toddler does not have the vocabulary,
understanding or emotional skill level yet to effectively express what they’re
feeling either. So, in most cases, they are simply acting out some emotional
or physical need or desire they are not getting. They have also not yet learned a better
way to get their parents or caregivers attention to meet that need.
Just as likely, they may be mirroring the same behavior they see the adults in their life handle their emotions when not getting their needs or desires met. For example, they may frequently see mom and dad bickering, arguing and fussing with each other a lot. Perhaps the primary adults in the child's life are often screaming curse words, slamming doors, stomping or exuding negative angry energy and body language toward each other while the child is present witnessing the chaos.
Sounds childish and irresponsible? Absolutely! However, this is because, just like a physical child, adults have an inner child that occasionally behaves in
this same childlike way as a toddler having a knock down, drag out, ugly, tantrum. And when they do it's usually for the same or
similar childlike reasons a toddler does. If that sounds too ridiculous for you to accept or believe then perhaps no one ever informed you that emotional maturity is NOT synonymous with age.
Like a toddler just learning the use of language as a form of communicating its thoughts and feelings, some adults do not always have the vocabulary rage, communication skills and emotional maturity level to effectively and appropriately express their thoughts, feelings or desires. Equally so, no one may have ever properly taught or shown them by example how to handle emotional
situations and express their intense frustrations and anger in a healthy way.
More often than not, people who are well into adulthood still lacking the ability to respond rather than react to situations that arouse intense emotions,thereby resulting in them expressing their anger and frustrations like a toddler having a tantrum, is usually because they grew up in a home environment where such behavior was the norm. In fact, library and book store shelves are filled with books written by experts who have done studies on human behavior and proven that, unless someone in our childhood teaches us differently, we usually take into our adulthood interactions with others the same social and emotional behavior patterns learned from our parents and childhood environment.
So in the aforementioned case of the adult still lacking the social, emotional and communication skills and abilities of a mature adult, they probably saw such emotional conduct and behavior demonstrated by the adults who raised them. If this is the case, they are most likely none the wiser that such behavior is inappropriate as an adult and pushes people away. Truth is, we are products of our environment which is why most of us reach adulthood still struggling with and trying to overcome issues and wounds that goes deep back into our childhood and is in desperate need of healing.
Unfortunately, in order to heal your emotionally wounded places you are required to also be emotionally vulnerable enough to face your wounded places within. For most people this is not an easy task to accomplish due to fear of being rejected, judged, criticized or looked down on by others once the mask is off and your wounded inner child has been exposed.
What's funny is when we see such behavior in other adults, that mirror the tantrum prone toddler, we tend to label them as “crazy”. Yet, when our own,
childlike behavior or “inner crazy” comes out we excuse or justify it as
venting or blowing off steam. But at the end of the day yelling, shouting, cursing, slamming doors and pouting, i.e. staying mad
for hours or days at a time, is an adults inner child having a toddler tantrum.
So the next time someone says or does something that causes a disturbances in you or pushes your buttons resulting in you having an adult tantrum. First, remember they are just that, your buttons and you are the only one responsible for your actions or reactions regardless of what anyone else says or does. Second, remember the manner in which you choose to react or respond to something or someone is ALWAYS about you not the other person. It is a reflection of what's already going on inside you, not the other person. So own your "stuff".
Lastly, should you find yourself reacting to what someone says or does in a manner very similar to a toddler having a tantrum, remember it’s just your inner child reacting to a need or desire that’s not
being met. Like the infant crying and the toddler pitching a fit trying to get mommy and daddy's attention to its needs, your strong childlike reaction is your inner child's way of getting your attention to its needs.
It is a direct indication of your inner child attempting to bring to your awareness the wounded places you are still holding on to from past hurts that are still in need of healing. The same is true when you see this behavior in other adults in your life. And just like with a toddler it is best to calm down and respond NOT react.
And the best response to your inner child's cry for help and healing is to refer back to paragraph one of this article to the example of the infant baby crying. Then find some place private and quiet you can go to be still and embrace your inner child with high
doses of patience, compassion, understanding.
Follow up by probing yourself, perhaps
with the aid of a therapist if necessary, to uncover the root cause or reasons for your repeated undesirable, socially unacceptable, strong emotional reactions and behavior. Also, be honest with yourself, and those closest to you if necessary, especially if your explosive emotional episodes is jeopardizing your relationship with your spouse or mate.
Most importantly, repeatedly give your inner child the maximum doses of love and forgiveness you are capable of giving, no matter how many toddler like tantrums you continue to have along your journey to self healing.
Until next time...I surround you in love & light! So always keep your heart open and your LOVE light on.
A One Love Production
By Anna M. Hendricks
Copyright 2013
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